Your Love Coach

7 Tips on Chatting Up A Girl

J sent me an interesting question, to which I am sure a lot of people can relate.

Question: I’m a 20 year old male who over the last year has been struggling to find a girl. I don’t find it difficult to speak to girls I know but struggle to find new girls. When I do speak to them I seem to make them my friends too quickly. What can I do to avoid this? Thanks.

Answer: Though there are a couple other issues you raised here, I am going to focus on your last question.

I think it’s safe to assume that girls, after you’ve chatted to them for sometime, label you as a ‘nice’ guy or a friend. This is probably happening because of the unconscious message you send them. Therefore you need to be mindful of how you communicate with them.

When you do meet a girl for the first time, is it easy for you to decide whether you want to pursue a friendship or something more with her? I ask this because it may help you to divide the lot into those two groups and therefore it is clear to you what kind of relationship you want to develop with a girl.

Here is a list of things you need to be aware of when talking to a girl for the first time, which will determine your behaviour towards her and subsequently how she sees you - either as a mate or a potential boyfriend.

1. The first thing out of your mouth - what words do you utter when meeting a girl for the first time who is girlfriend material and to one whom you regard as a bud?
2. What do you choose to talk about? Say for instance you ask a girl about what she does on a Saturday evening, she may think that you want to take her out one time. Whereas if you ask her about work or studies, then it’s clear you’re not interested in her as a girlfriend.
3. Do you offer to pay for her drink, or do you say, “This round’s mine. What do you want to drink?” Clearly, saying the latter means you expect her to pick up the next round. So what message does that send out?
4. Where do you sit when talking to her - next to her, opposite her or diagonal from her? Next to her is more intimate.
5. Do you ask her if she’s seeing someone? There is no doubt in any girl’s mind that you are interested in her if you if there’s a man in her life.
6. Do you ask for her number and ring her when you promise to?
7. How do you look at her when you talk? Sometimes your eyes can do all the talking for you.

I hope this helps, J. And good luck with finding your girl.

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