Your Love Coach

Getting Your Ex Back

Do you remember what it was like to lose ‘the love of your life’? Did you want to get them back at all costs? What do you think is the best thing to do to get them back?

These are the questions that have been sent to me by the readers of Your Love Coach and I felt it’s time I gave them my two cents’ worth.

The question of getting your ex back can be both complex and straightforward. Let me first address the latter.

I find that this can be easy when thinking of it this way:

The relationship ended, whether you were the dumper or dumpee, for one reason or another. This means the relationship didn’t work, and so it will be more productive to learn from the mistakes you made and move on.

There are many ‘relationship experts’ who will tell you that it is always possible and a good thing to contemplate getting your ex back, but I don’t agree with that and find it unethical that they should convince people who are feeling vulnerable and desperate to pursue this course of action.

But then obviously, it gets complex when moving on is not an option - yet. When you have doubts whether you made a mistake breaking off a relationship, or realising after having some time to think that this was the best relationship you’ve had, or there are residual feelings left for your ex, then you will do everything you can to get them back.

Let’s say you have all the positive intentions of wanting to get back with your ex. What questions should you raise and respond to very sincerely?

6 questions to ask if you want to get back with your ex

1. Are they now in a relationship with someone else? It’s not fair to your ex if you try to get them back when they have obviously already moved on with someone else. It won’t help to think that you’re the only person who can make your ex happy and that the two of you belong together.
2. Do they still live in the same area as you? It would be mighty challenging to keep a relationship going if you didn’t live in the same city. If they moved away, take that as a sign - they want to establish distance from you.
3. Are you both still in love with each other? This is one of the most important things really. Love started the relationship ( I hope). There is hope if the love is mutual.
4. What were the reasons you broke up? Have they been addressed? It’s critical that you face up to the challenges you faced as a couple. If these reasons for your break up continue to exist, you don’t have a prayer in hell.
5. What significant and pertinent changes are you both going to make to help the relationship? Again, changes are important, but they need to be recognised by the two of you and acknowledge what each of you is going to alter in the relationship in order to make it work this time. You can’t expect a different result if you keep doing the same things.
6. Are you both committed to try again? You know how people romanticize love relationships by saying and believing, “My love is big enough for the two of us”. Wrong! It takes two to make it work. Commitment from only one person will never be enough.

Quite the opposite of the elements above, below are the flip side of a hopeful reconciliation.

11 desperate ways of getting your ex back and should be avoided !

1. Tell them you still love them - over and over and over
2. Apologise for your mistakes
3. Swear that things will be different from now on
4. Use manipulative means to ‘force’ them to come back - money, kids, jealousy
5. Act depressed so that they feel guilty
6. Assure them you have that you have changed
7. Give them a list of reasons why you should give it another try
8. Call your ex and tell them that you really want to see them - just so you can ’show’ them that you’ve changed.
9. If they refuse to meet up with you, surprise them at their place of work or at home.
10. Stalk them - text unceasingly, email relentlessly and ring them non-stop.
11. Hire someone to pose as your new squeeze. Make it look like a coincidence when you bump into them ‘accidentally’ at some party or club.

Now what do the above tell you? It’s a one way thing - all the steps are being performed by one person only, and that person is the only one who wants to give the relationship another chance.

I’m not saying you won’t be successful if you do decide to employ the steps above. The questions you need to ask yourself are:

1. Would the relationship be genuine?
2. If you do get your ex back, how long do you think the relationship is going to last this time?
3. What kind of relationship would you have this time around?

And before I close, let me enumerate 4 stumbling blocks when wanting to get back together with your ex.

4 obstacles to getting your ex back and moving on (with or without them)

1. Thinking they’re the love of your life. You say to yourself that you now realise that you are truly meant to be together and would give anything for a second chance. This simply indicates the rejected person in you talking. You cannot accept the fact that the relationship ended or that you got dumped.
2. Remaining friends with your ex so that you can show them how much you’ve changed and thinking they’ll fall back madly in love with you. If you are comfortable just being friends, how can you expect them to take you back as their significant other?
3. Strategies and techniques will bring them back into your life. There are no sincere and genuine techniques to getting back, except mutual love and respect.
4. Romanticising your now ended relationship. I believe this is the worst culprit. When a relationship ends, it’s difficult for a lot of people to see the reasons behind it. They can only think of all the lovely times they’ve shared and therefore focus on these and think that the relationship was much better than it actually was. While mourning the death of a relationship, all we can think of is that we want the person back. There is a very good chance that the relationship wasn’t really as good as you think it was.

Now then, are you in the process of plotting how to get your ex back? Think again. And remember, “When one door closes, another one opens.” But you’ll never see it if you keep looking at the closed door.

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