Your Love Coach

Love On The Rebound

What is the first thing you want to do upon breaking up with someone - especially if you’re the one who got dumped?

More often than not, people suffering from rejection need some kind of validation. They need to know and be reassured that:

1. they are attractive
2. they are lovable
3. they can make a relationship work
4. they don’t have to be alone
5. a break up is a temporary set back in their love life
6. it wasn’t their fault the relationship broke down

With all or some of these in mind, a person on the rebound would seek comfort and solace either from friends, or people whom they think can help them get over their ex. Truth be told, one of the unhealthiest things a person who just broke up with someone can do is get into another relationship - especially if it’s purely sexual.

Getting over someone is a process, though it is highly subjective in terms of how long or how difficult it is for an individual. One may take a week to go through the process of grieving to acceptance and moving on, others may take months or years even. You may ask me however, “How do I know I’m no longer on the rebound? And what does that mean anyway?”

Let me explain: a person on the rebound is quite simply someone who has split up with their significant other and still has ‘issues’. Issues could include anger, hurt feelings, resentment, still in love with the ex, needing closure, etc. So if you are still in that zone, you are definitely on the rebound.

5 tell-tale signs of someone on the rebound

1. They appear to be happy, too happy, and seem to have too good a time when out with friends or someone they’ve got their eye on as their next partner. However when they find themselves alone, that’s when they let their guards down and mope. They reminisce the times they had with their ex and what could have been.
2. Others can be quite needy. I’m sure you’ve had friends who would call you non-stop wanting to know how you are, when all they really want is to feel connected to someone, specially a friend who cares.
3. Or they may call you about some thing or other and then suddenly the conversation steers towards their ex. It’s a case of wanting to relive their recent past relationship. They do this because they are still hoping that by talking about it, it may actually help resurrect the relationship.
4. Another sign can be someone who won’t stop bashing their ex, or perhaps would start generalising by saying, “All men are bastards,” or that, “All women are bitches.” They are so deeply hurting that they need to lash out. The scary thing is if they’re in a new relationship, they’d end this tirade with, “But of course you’re different, honey.” Beware!
5. They choose to be in a relationship with someone who is so different from their ‘type’. Family and friends, knowing the person so well, will be able to spot this easily. They purposely do this because they have a need to be safe - because they think that by choosing someone different from their last relationship, they can prevent themselves from getting hurt, though the person they are with now is not someone they are passionate about. A man may pick someone less intelligent, less beautiful and accomplished. Or a woman may pick someone who is not as head strong, less attractive and easily manipulated. They may even choose someone who is easy for them to leave, or should that person decided to dump them, they couldn’t care less.

So what do you do if you’re still on the rebound? Try one or two on the list.

7 things to do while you’re on the rebound

1. Allow yourself to complete the process - acceptance, grieving, creating closure, getting over it and moving on. See my post on Moving On, Letting Go.
2. Do not get into a relationship until you are truly well and ready.
3. Look at your last relationship, list down lessons you learned about yourself and the relationship and use them.
4. Ask family and friends to help you through this very difficult time. That’s what they’re there for.
5. Give yourself a break - from relationships, form thinking and over-analysing what went wrong and from everything familiar. Why not go away for a few days or weeks and maybe you’ll come back rejuvenated, free from negative emotions and looking forward to the future.
6. Avoid sleeping with someone just to get back at your ex, to get over your ex, because you’re lonely, or you think the best way to get over someone is to get under someone. Wrong!
7. Fly solo for a change. You need some space to take a good look at yourself and see if the person you are is the person you want to be. Sometimes, when people get into a relationship, they lose a piece of themselves, because they become part of a partnership that hampers their individuality. It’s important for you to re-discover yourself. When you look at yourself in the mirror, whom do you see? What do you see? Is it a happy face? Do you recognise the face staring back at you?

Until then, all I can say is, though break ups are hard, putting your broken heart to pieces is harder. And no one knows your heart better than yourself. But bear in mind that it is something you must do on your own. Take courage, there is plenty of love around you. One day, when you’re ready, you can tap into the source of love again, and it will be even better than the last!

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