Moving on, Letting Go
Have you ever been in love? Did you get your heart broken at some point in your life? Have you experienced unrequited love?
Love can be bittersweet. When it comes into our lives it can be the most magical thing - or can cause the most painful agony, for a myriad of reasons. People who experience falling in love are fortunate. What did Samuel Butler say? “It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never lost at all.” However, letting go and moving on is not quite that easy. In fact it can drive one to distraction that they neglect their responsibilities, lose reason, sink into depression or worse contemplate ending it all.
The 64 million-dollar question is: how does one mend a broken heart?
A heartbreak is one of the most unusual kinds of pain. There are no physical injuries that you can attribute it to. No visible scars, no panacea that can be procured to heal it. It’s a huge emotional and mental pain that can be quite debilitating and triggers other emotions in us. Like most things that are important, it takes time. Time does heal - most wounds. But recognise that it is a process, partly that is within your control and the rest is up to chance and circumstance.
5 steps to mending a broken heart:
1. Accepting It
When a person goes into a relationship, they launch themselves into it lock, stock and barrel, with every intention of making it work and last. So much so that when it does disintegrate, it is a challenge to accept that it is over, and that it didn’t work or that the person you trusted the most with your heart has let you down. There is a short period where you are allowed to be in denial, so that you may go over the relationship and try to look at it slightly distanced.
Since the wound is so fresh, it is difficult to be level-headed, but again all in good time. You may also feel that maybe, just maybe, that it was all a misunderstanding and that the object of your affection will come back and say, “I think we made a mistake. Let’s give it another try.” If two months have passed and this has not happened yet, then it’s time to be brave and face reality. They aren’t coming back.
Once you have come to the conclusion that it is over, you can start picking up the tiny million pieces of your heart, though no one heard the ear-piercing sound of it breaking but you.
2. Grieving
It is imperative that you grieve the loss - losing the person you loved the most, losing your heart, losing the dream of spending the rest of your life happily ever after with this wonderful human being. You have every right to mourn the death of a relationship. Express this inexplicable pain in your chest that seems to dominate every other feeling in your body. Cry - man or woman. It is perfectly acceptable to go over memories, love notes, text messages in your phone, gifts and photos.
While in this process, you will feel a multitude of emotions ranging from joy (when remembering how you first met) to anger (when reminded of the times you’ve been hurt - by this person and all the others before them), to confusion (not knowing exactly what went wrong), to uncertainty (where do you go from here) to excitement (thinking of the time you will fall in love again), to self-doubt (maybe it was your fault), to insecurity (not knowing if you’re good enough), to deep sorrow.
All these are valid emotions and it is beneficial to give yourself licence to experience them without guilt.
3. Creating Closure
Closure simply means an appropriate ending or punctuation to a relationship that has ended. It comes in different shapes and forms, which is highly dependent on the heartbroken. Some people believe closure comes when they are able to say a proper goodbye to the loved one - whether that’s yelling at them or a bit more civilised is your call. Others want questions answered. In some cases all it takes is collecting visible reminders of the relationship and storing them somewhere, or burning them. But whatever it is that you need to create closure and appropriately end that chapter of your life, do it. Otherwise, the memory will keep haunting you and you’ll never be able to move on.
4. Getting Over It
People say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone. Wrong. Well, it could work, but I wouldn’t advise it. To get over someone or a relationship, there are some things that will help.
Decide what things you are going to miss:
a. Being part of a couple
b. Having a date to every family or social function
c. Available sex whenever you want it
d. Knowing there’s someone to come home to - or to vent to who won’t judge you
e. That person’s smile, laughter
f. Their thoughtfulness
And then list down the things you are NOT going to miss:
a. The nagging
b. The demands
c. The restriction and the rules
d. The monotony
e. The criticisms from your ex
f. The cheating or wandering eye
Caveat: It doesn’t matter whether you were the one who left the relationship or the one who got left behind. There will always be things that you will not miss after a relationship ends. It is key here that you give yourself time before doing step 4. You can’t go through all the steps in one go.
What you can tell yourself is that with the good comes the bad. Count your lucky stars for being not part of that relationship if you have a list of things you will not miss as long as your arm. And regarding the things you will miss, I have good news for you - you can have them again! You fell in love once, you will fall in love again. It may not feel like it right now, especially if this was your first serious and deep relationship, and if you think they were the just the most divine person on the planet. It was obviously not meant to be, so there must be someone else out there for you who is more perfect.
So get over it and do the next step full steam ahead!
5.Starting Over
Easier said than done. But if you got this far, after taking the first four steps, then you are definitely on your way. Pay attention to the fact that you’re single again and free to be just your own person. List down the advantages of being alone but not lonely:
a. Being able to go wherever you want to - not having to check someone else’s diary
b. Meeting interesting people without restrictions - you can party till the break of dawn
c. Saving money - no need to buy presents for someone else, you can just shower yourself with all the lovely pressies
d. Not needing to remember their friends’ birthdays, their parents’ anniversary and keeping up appearances when you’re just not in the mood
e. Watching a movie you really really like without annoying someone for choosing it
f. Independence - you definitely are the boss!
g. Sleeping when you want, getting up when you want
h. Freedom from someone else’s annoying habits
i. More time with friends
Make your list based on your own experience.
You may also want to start seeing other people - not necessarily to get involved, but to simply meet new friends and learn what other people are up to these days. By all means consider starting a new romance, but wait until you are truly healed and ready. You don’t want to still be on the rebound when you commit yourself to another serious relationship.
Bottom line, let go - of the past, the guilt, the blame, the anger and the pain. Move on - to the next chapter of your life that is waiting for you filled with infinite possibilities.
Here’s to you and your next romantic adventure!
31 Love Notes for “Moving on, Letting Go”
September 15, 2007
i have to copy these, kakailangan ko ito in the future. thnx for sharing.
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September 15, 2007
Hi iskoo! Thanks for dropping by. Sige, kopyahin mo at sana nga eh maging useful sayo in the future! Balik ka ulit.
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September 15, 2007
hey there!
thanks for stopping by! yeah i wish this was available when i had my heart ripped apart a couple of years ago….i think one step you should mention is “self-questioning.” It is inevitable that you will question yourself, your actions everything about your being especially your actions in a relationship…that’s hard but everyone does do it and the questions go unanswered…oh well…bye!
:)
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September 16, 2007
Hi Joy! I barely noticed you made a comment on my blog
I wonder why I didn’t get a notice… Anyway, your blog is pretty interesting! All about love, I like it. I think love is something everyone can relate to and I agree that it can be the most beautiful thing or the thing that gets you down.
Btw, right now I’m just trying to be vegan not 100% there yet, but soon I hope
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September 16, 2007
Thanks for the visit to Hemingway, I hope to get a chance to spend some time at your blog - I wish you well with it!
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September 16, 2007
Hi Aviana, thanks for dropping by. I agree with you - self-questioning is part of the whole process. I believe this is while we’re going through the grieving process that we experience this. Sorry couldn’t be there for you a couple of years ago, but I’m here now
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September 16, 2007
My hat’s off to you, Dreamer, for trying to be 100% vegan. I think I have made a conscious decision not to give up my cheese and eggs
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September 16, 2007
YES I HAVE MANY TIMES
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September 16, 2007
Joy, thanks for your visit and comment to Blogtrotter.
Bali is actually a wonderful place, and I can easily understand it has a special place in your heart!
Gil
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September 16, 2007
hi joy, thanks for dropping by my site. as for the sweet tooth thingy, there may be hope yet
hop over to see the reply 
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September 16, 2007
I love this post a lot! Honestly… it really useful for us to prepare ourselve and get rid of our unhappy history… Very well written and I feel like this is some kind of information that related to psychology… Have to learn more from you oh..
Si fu…
;)
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September 16, 2007
Hi, Gil! Bali is such a nice place for so many things: honeymooning, a break from it all (either alone or with someone special), surfing and for spirituality. But most of all, I love the Balinese. You know how people say, “The people in whichever place were so nice”? The Balinese are truly nice, whether you have money or not.
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September 16, 2007
You’re too kind, curryegg! Nice to see you here again!
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September 16, 2007
a very useful page. i’ll introduce it to my friends. thanks a lot!
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September 16, 2007
Thanks, Sugar Bean! I look forward to your next visit, and your friends’ visit.
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September 16, 2007
Starting over sounds like lots of fun. Can I just skip the relationship and nasty break-up and go straight to starting over?
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September 16, 2007
Of course, Parlancheq!
The choice is all yours - but just a small health warning: when you skip a step, you usually don’t get the best result.
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September 18, 2007
I’m just glad I am at an age where I hopefully when have a broken heart over a “break-up”…I might have it over some other things…BUT, hopefully not a relationship break-up…Too hard on the entire body…(lol)
You asked what kind of Camera I have…I have two cameras…both of them Fuji’s….One is The Guji FinePix 3800 with a 6x fixed lens, and the other is The Fuji FinePix S9000 with a 10x fixed lens….I use both and for different things. And sometimes the same subjects but I can get closer to some subjects with the 2nd camera, but I really prefer the first camera, a whole lot. There are so very ma nany really fabulous cameraas out there…It is crazy making trying to make a choice….lol!
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September 18, 2007
Oh my.. what a site! great contents and pretty interesting. My friend, who is in quite a dilemma now needs advises like that. Will let her and others know about your nice site:)
btw.. thx for dropping by my blog ya!
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September 18, 2007
I have been in that situation before and it took me 2 years before I was able to move on completely. That made me quite stronger now.
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September 18, 2007
Hi chase. Good for you! Healing takes time and rushing it doesn’t really benefit anyone. Thanks for dropping by.
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September 19, 2007
Thanks OldOldLadyoftheHi for the visit! Yes, I suppose we all come to an age when certain things don’t affect us as much as they would, had we been younger.
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September 19, 2007
Thanks, Christine. You’re kind. And yes, please tell your friend to visit and feel free to ask me a question using the form on the website.
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September 21, 2007
I agree with you Joy that when a relationship breaks up, it is a traumatic event, usually for the one being dumped. And the healing process can take a lot of time depending on how severe the trauma was and the coping mechanisms one has. Even with good coping strategies, the pain one can experience during a breakup can be crushing.
Thanks for commenting on my blog as well. I will be stopping in from time to time to comment if I have something of value. So nice to meet you!
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September 21, 2007
Indeed it is traumatic, LeRoy - and yes, definitely for the one being dumped. The only time the ‘dumper’ would find it traumatic would be if they were cheated on or something else as heartbreaking that they decided to leave the relationship. In terms of the time it takes to heal, highly subjective. But from observation, a proper healing process takes about 2 years. And the other thing, even with family and friends’ support, sadly the heartbreak and the healing can only be experienced by the heartbroken. I do look forward to your next visit!
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September 21, 2007
One of the things I have noticed is that when there is a breakup, both parties tend to get involved right away with someone else. If there is any advise you can provide on this subject either now or in a future post, that would be great. I think the best decision anyone can make during time of the breakup about another relationship is: Make no decisions about entering into another relationship for a minimum of 6 months - longer in most cases. You said from observation, it takes about two years to heal from the breakup of a close relationship and I think that is about right.
Waiting to get involved with anyone gives a person time to re-evaluate and it also gives the former party a chance to sow their oats. What I have discovered is that the dumper at some point comes to the realization that the grass is not greener on the other side and may want to return. I think this happens more than anyone ever realizes and if the dumpee and dumper can forgive one another and reconnect, that relationship can be better than any other they may have. That type of reunion will likely require outside assistance like with a counselor - but it can work.
I think the pain of breakup moves a person to change, to open up to new possibilities and also explore what went wrong in the previous one so as to not repeat. Many tend to avoid pain, especially emotional pain, but the pain that comes with a breakup can work in a person’s advantage if they can grow from it. And many times all a person needs to get through it is for someone to listen. Just my observations.
Sorry I got so long winded!
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September 21, 2007
Joy,this is a great site. And that’s a tremendous article. Great work.
Thanks for visiting my blog. I hope to see you again.
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September 23, 2007
Hi LeRoy, I completely agree with you on the subject of waiting before getting involved with someone else after a break up. The only relationship one should have after a break up is a relationship with the self. And the pain involved does change someone - sometimes not for the better. And thanks for the suggestion! I shall definitely write about this more in the not so distant future. Thanks for the visit and I look forward to the next one.
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September 23, 2007
Thanks, rowdy! Do swing by again!
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October 2, 2007
hi there joy, am attracted to SOMEBODY at our office, somewhat i would say he is a good looking guy. no doubts he has the qualities whom i admired.
its a logic,to do such flirting moves. surely, and i know
he is always making glance if we bump each other.
thanks, and best regards !
Meds
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February 7, 2008
hi Joy,
sana nabasa ko na to when i was really down… but THANK YOU pa rin!!!
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