My Two Cents on Having an Affair
Hear ye! Hear ye! My first article in my column Second Chances in the magazine Total Woman has just come out in Manila, Philippines! Hot off the press.
What happens after your significant other cheats on you? What do you do? Is there hope? Read below the situation that was presented to me and my reply.
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A woman asks: My life was perfect until I found out my husband was having an affair. My world fell apart. It has been six months since. I still have not moved on. What do I do? I don’t think I can ever trust him again. - Alana, Makati City
Infidelity is one of the hardest things a woman can experience in a marriage. The one thing you should not do is question whether you could have done anything to prevent your husband from straying. He had complete control of what he was doing. If he had issues regarding your marriage, he should have talked to you. So don’t second guess yourself, or worse blame yourself.
You ask what you can do. My question to you is: what do you want to do? What does your husband want to do? You both need to decide whether you want to rebuild the relationship. If the answer is yes, then you have to focus on this. Once you have decided that you are staying, then you need to let go of the past.
It should be clear to you why you want to stay - is it because you love him, are you being pressured by your family, or are you embarrassed to admit that the marriage failed? Whatever the reason, be certain that it benefits you and the marriage.
Have you told your husband exactly how you felt about the affair? Did he ask for your forgiveness? What questions do you have that remain unanswered? Are you both committed to giving your relationship another chance? It’s a marriage - it takes two to make it work. Once you have expressed yourself fully to your husband, ask him to do the same.
Next, discuss what you both would do differently. What do you need from your husband in order to trust him again? Are you able to keep the past where it belongs? Women are quite prone to harping about the past - which doesn’t help. It only perpetuates anger, hurt and blame. It prevents everyone involved from moving on. Keeping tabs on your husband’s whereabouts is only going to drive you nuts. It’s not healthy and the exact opposite of trust - neither is going through his things: phone, wallet, email or diary.
Instead of making giant leaps, grand gestures, promises easily broken, take baby steps to bridge the gap between you and your husband. Do things to bring you closer to each other: rent a romance DVD, cook dinner together or watch the sunset. What did you enjoy doing together before all this happened? What would you enjoy doing together now?
One powerful thing you can do to help you move on is to accept that it happened, don’t deny it. Learn from the experience.
To rekindle the love and trust you once shared, make a list of all the things you love about each other to remind you of the reasons you got married in the first place. Keep the list where you can see it everyday - like the fridge door. Who knows? You may fall in love with each other all over again.
On the other hand, if you decide to leave him, be strong. It will be a rocky ride - you might be tempted to see him again. What benefits do you gain by leaving him? Think about the life you want to have six months from now. What do you need to do to create that life? Does it feel like you have moved on? This may be difficult to visualize at the moment considering the space you are in.
The only question you need to ask yourself is this: What do I want? That’s a good starting point. You need to be specific about this to get from point A to point B. Saying you want to be happy is not enough. It’s better if you say: I want to be smiling everyday having put the past behind me by January next year.
You are a woman, therefore you have strength and resilience you may not even be aware of. Trust yourself to know what’s best for you. Look to your inner compass and follow it where it leads you.
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So what would you have advised Alana? Have you been cheated on? Have you ever had an affair yourself? Do share!
Click here to view the original article.
9 Love Notes for “My Two Cents on Having an Affair”
October 13, 2007
i’ll spread your announcement in my blog so a lot of pinoys can help you too..
good luck!
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October 13, 2007
no prob…anything for a fellow pinoy….
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October 13, 2007
Whether a husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, affairs (both physically and/or psychologically) can have some pretty devistating effects on what was a trusting, monogomous relationship. I think it is as bad, if not worse, than having someone you love die suddenly (for the dumpee). I would not go so far as to say the marriage failed as much as I would question what failed within the marriage. An affair need not end a marriage. In fact many, if not most, survive an affair only to have a better relationship than before. I would not construe that to mean the affair caused a better marriage relationship but that it made the couple stop and re-evaluate what they were doing/not doing that killed intimacy.
I think too many people are willing to “throw in the towel” when things get bad in marriages (I am not talking here about physical or sexual abuse or domestic violence - just low conflict marriages) rather than trying to get help. Second marriages have a much higher divorce rate (70%) than first marriages. So, unless you figure out not only what went wrong but made some changes, its likely to repeat.
I would agree with Dr. Joy to learn from the experience. I would also add: Do not make any major decisions for at least six months or more regarding moving on into another relationship. You need time to evaluate what happened and grieve the losses…in some instances, you may win back your spouse by such actions (waiting and changing yourself).
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October 14, 2007
hmm, i dont really know what i would do. but i am an optimist, if i still love him and want to work on the relationship with him — we should start from null; meaning dating, romance, etc. and lots of heart to heart talks.
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October 18, 2007
yes, i agree first MARRIAGE IS THE UNFORGETTABLE ASPECT IN LIFE:) ESTABLISHing ALL THE THINGS YOU SHARED; but somehow along as everybodys says ” NOTHING IS PERMAMENT IN THIS WORLD!
how, i wish i could turn back the clock hands the way it was before…Life is full of surprises !
more power Joy !
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July 31, 2009
I don’t know about trying to repair these things. I kind of think if he’s done it before, you’re never going to feel the same way again. You’ll get sick to your stomach every time some little thing reminds you. You need a clean slate.
I took my husband back after he’d strayed using http://www.illicitencounters.com and 2 months later I noticed he hadn’t canceled his subscription. It’s like £100 a month or something! That was no mistake. It’s unbelievable sometimes how good a liar someone you thought you trusted is. Leopards don’t change their spots, it’s over.
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January 13, 2010
My husband works away i joined a married dating site and im content.
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February 4, 2010
Finding out that you wife, husband has been having affair will crash most marriages and the kid are totally lost they look up to, trust there world is spinning. Adults just don’t think that they are totally affected when parent fight.
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February 23, 2010
I want you girls to know something all of you who have husbands that are running around on you. Make sure you are not using sex as a weapon, withholding yourselves because you are mad, angry, or resentful. Your body belongs to him, and his to you. If you withhold yourselves, you are giving him license to go out and look for someone to fill that need. A man has a powerful need to spread his seed, and by being that person that is his intimate partner on a regular basis, you are the person he wanted to marry then, in the first place. I taught my children that you never stay married to someone who withholds their bodies from them. It really is a crime in a marriage. Women just are not being taught that their bodies are not their own, and the same with men. A marriage is made stronger by that sexual intimacy and closeness. I have no beef with anyone who looks to have those needs filled, when they are being withheld by negative women, who have become totally selfish and selfserving, only thinking of their own needs first. Love is about giving, caring, kindness, forgiveness… … … So… get rid of your negativity, and start caring whether your man has a warm bed, with a loving woman who wraps her arms around him and teases him unmercifully and makes sure that he is fed and coddled. If you feel he is selfish and self serving and there is no hope…get divorced and save both of yourselves grief. Because if you feel that way, you are bitter yourself and can’t see the goodness in the other person enough to give of yourself.
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