Your Love Coach

Single Moms and Dating

I have received a question from a single mom who needs advice on dating while looking after her son and taking her role as a mother seriously. My reply to her follows.

Question:

I’m dating a great single guy. But being a single mom I also have to think about my five-year old son and what’s best for him. How do I know that this guy is the one?

Answer:

It’s good that you have overcome the first hurdle in being a single mom - thinking that you have forfeited your licence to pursue your own happiness. I think your question has two threads: first, the question of whether this guy you’re dating is the one, and second, what’s best for your child. They’re not necessarily mutually exclusive, but they are two separate issues which you need to consider.

Let’s talk about your guy being ‘the one’. How long have you known each other and how long have you been dating? Is it exclusive or are you free to see other people? What do you like about him? What does he like about you? What are your reasons for wanting to find out if he’s the one? Has he asked you to move in with him or get married? How many men have you dated since you became single?

These questions are vital in determining if (1) there is a need to find out now if he’s the one, (2) you have considered all your options, and (3) you’re doing it for reasons that benefit you.

Single moms have plenty to offer any man they fancy for the following reasons, thus there is no need to rush things.

1. They possess the strength that allows them to manage parenting responsibilities single-handedly.
2. They know what they want. It’s not about playing games. If they decide to see someone, that man should feel lucky.
3. They are confident and independent. And these are very attractive qualities. Sexy even!
4. For a man who’s looking for a deep and lasting relationship, a single mom is ideal. She doesn’t date because she has nothing better to do, but because she is doing it for herself and takes pleasure in it.
5. Single moms tend to be quite selective and thoughtful about whom they date, owing to the lessons they’ve learned in their previous relationships. They value relationships more and don’t take the men in their life for granted.

Being single means freedom. Being a mother is NOT a deterrent to finding love and happiness because one thing you ought to remember, you’ve been through the worst time of your life already. What have you got to fear? You’re a much stronger, wiser and more beautiful woman.

Other things you have to bear in mind as a single mom who’s dating:

1. No pressure. It’s natural that if you hit it off with someone, and he gets on with your son, that you would like him to take a more active role in your life as a parent. Again, this will have to keep. Unless he offers to pick him up from school or karate lessons, don’t ask him to do it. Hold back a bit.
2. The 5-minute rule. When out on a date with your guy, limit talking about your son to 5 minutes, as you need to focus on the fact that you are after all on a date, not talking to your child’s teacher or school counselor. This way, too, you will get to know each other more, deeper and better.
3. In your own time. If you are in a relationship that is more serious than dating, but less than a marriage, friends and family sometimes may inadvertently pressure you into taking the next step - be it moving in together or getting married. But guess what - you only need to do what feels right for you and your son. If moving in together or marriage feels too much right now, then don’t do it.
   So how do you know if he’s the one? Time will tell. Ask yourself, are you feeling desperate or simply excited about the future? Is the relationship going so well that it feels like it’s too good to be true or you’re afraid of losing him?

When you have conversations with your guy, what do you talk about - movies to watch and restaurants to eat or honeymoon destinations and paint colours for the bedrooms? If it’s more the former then you need to take things easy.

What lessons did you learn in your past relationships? Which among them can help you now decide on your future that will benefit you, and your son, the most?

For now there’s only one thing you need to focus on - savouring this time of your life. What makes you happy makes your son happy - and that can only be good for him. You are single, you have a son you love to bits and you have a man who adores you! What more could you ask for?

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