Your Love Coach

Fear Of Being Single

joy — Sat, 08 Mar 2008 02:42:19 +0000

Have you heard of the expression it’s better to be alone than to wish you were alone?

I’ve just had a chat with someone who told me that the person they fell in love with 5 years ago is no longer the person they live with now. And as a love coach, my question was: what’s stopping you from leaving?

And the reply was:

I’m afraid to be alone.

And this is a natural thing. As human beings we are all wired to crave companionship, to find similarities with others, to seek love and affection from the moment we are born.

However, one should be able to distinguish between needing someone and genuinely loving someone. Our happiness should not be dependent on someone’s presence in our lives. True, having a significant other who cherishes us is the sweetest thing in the world - but even they are not responsible for our own happiness.

Being single is one of the best ways to find deep, lasting and passionate love. How? By learning to love yourself first!

There are a number of things you should do before getting into a relationship:

List down the things you enjoy doing - alone or otherwise - and do them on your own, like watching a movie or eating out
Travel alone, discover new cultures, make new friends, and see what’s really out there.
Explore your options. Career, see the world, have a committed relationship and/or keep dating.
Enjoy your own company. This is crucial. Unless you are comfortable in your own skin, happy spending time on your own and can amuse yourself, then it would be very difficult to have your own identity in a relationship.
Decide what you like and love about yourself. Believe them and live them. It’s only when you exude that particular self-confidence, of loving yourself, that the right people find you attractive and are drawn to you even if they don’t know why.
Be happy. I will always say this: learn to be happy on your own first, so that when you do find someone, that someone should also be happy being on their own. Then when you get together, you share each other’s happiness and become happier. And should you decide to part ways at some point, then you’re simply go back to being happy.
Have a life. It’s pretty difficult to share a life with someone else, when you haven’t made one for yourself. After all, you aren’t joined at the hip and so you need to have something that is truly your own to make you, your life and the life you share even more interesting.

Being single is not the end of the world. In fact in many cases, it can be quite liberating and just what people need in order to find themselves, re-discover who they are and know the kind of person they truly want to share their lives and selves with.

It’s ok to be afraid of being single, as long as you do something about it. And by this I don’t mean grab the first person who comes your way, but that you should face your fear when the opportunity presents itself and muster enough courage to try doing some, if not all, of my suggestions above.

Wishing you all the love you deserve!

Bookmark to:

Break Up To Make Up

joy — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 12:17:11 +0000

Does breaking up with your significant other have any advantage? That depends: if you are in an abusive relationship, there is no doubt about it, breaking up and breaking away from that person is the best thing you can do!

But what if you still love the person but are extremely unhappy? What do you do?

Recently a friend of mine left her boyfriend of 5 years because the relationship no longer brought her the joy they once had. It was a heart-wrenching decision but she did it anyway.

She was sorry to go and thought about the 5 years they’ve been together. But that didn’t stop her from her resolve to leave. And a good thing, too, that she did!

Now they are back together and the love is better than ever. So what happened?

Often times people fall in love in the most romantic and extraordinary circumstances. And even if they don’t, the relationship starts out wonderfully, the two people involved being considerate, kind and loving towards each other.

Then life happens. Challenges come their way and the relationship is put to the test. I would never advocate giving up on a relationship at the first sign of trouble, unless there are extenuating circumstances - like your partner tried to kill you. Otherwise, you do have to try and work it out. Mind you, you can’t work on a relationship unless both people are happy and willing to do that.

Before the going gets tough it’s important that you set the ground rules for the relationship. Examples of which are:

We keep calm and avoid raising our voices when arguing and discussing.
We talk to each other first before seeking advice from others.
We remain respectful, no swearing, no hitting or throwing things.
We give each other space to think when asked for.
We are honest and open about our feelings all the time to avoid guessing games and leaving the other person wondering.
We let the other person know where we are, and not just take off somewhere leaving the other person worried.
We will listen to each other with an open heart and mind.

These are just some of the things you can live by and you can add your own to the list.

Sometimes these rules go out the window when tempers rise and the frustration has built up. And that is not a good thing. It shouldn’t even reach that point for the couple to know that something is amiss.

And this was what happened to my friend and her partner. One evening she decided that although she still loved him, she has had enough and so she left. Day and night she cried, while he tried to convince her to come back.

But hard as he tried to do that she wouldn’t give in, and his language became abusive. In the end he mellowed and decided that it was not going to bring her back if he kept this macho pretense and simply decided to open up his heart and told her how much he loved her. He apologised for all that he’s done. He did try to excuse his behaviour by using work, but that didn’t fly.

They had a heart to heart talk and she decided to go back to him. Now the relationship is even lovelier!

I posted a Getting Your Ex Back entry a few weeks ago and true enough, my friend’s ex was able to win her back because:

They still loved each other.
They were both free agents.
They still lived in the same city.
The issues for the separation were addressed.
They each have made changes in how they behave towards the other.
They are both committed to make the relationship work.

When the love is right, and it feels right, sometimes all it takes is losing it for you to find it again. It could be with the same person, or may be with someone else.

Here’s to love and romance!

Bookmark to:

Valentine’s Day: The Aftermath

joy — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 09:36:00 +0000

It’s the day after Valentine’s Day. How do you feel?

If you are one of the 90 million singles in the world, I hope the day went well for you and that you find yourself smiling and looking forward to the weekend and all the glorious things you will be doing tomorrow.

People often say, Christmas is just a day in the year, and so is Valentine’s Day, and New Year’s Eve and your birthday. Certain days are more special than others, and sometimes there are days that take us back to a place-time that we either prefer to forget or cherish.

So if yesterday you felt rotten for being single, then that’s alright. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But today is another day.

However, if you are in a relationship, I wonder how your yesterday turned out. Were your expectations met?

I have a friend who was looking forward to celebrating Heart’s Day and even purchased a special outfit for her boyfriend, but ended up helping a stranded friend 2 hours away from home. I can only hope that tonight her plans come to fruition.

Or maybe you were one of those who wasn’t alone, but wished you were? Now that is really sad. The good news though is - you can do something about it. You deserve to be happy each day of your life, deserve to spend it with someone you love and who loves you back, or deserve to be whatever you want to be - single, dating, married, or looking.

Tomorrow is Saturday. Take a break. We all could use one!

Stay in love - with yourself and your significant other (if you have one).

Bookmark to:

Last Minute Valentine

joy — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 14:42:00 +0000

Today is the day of hearts and I hope you all have had a nice start. Like I said in my previous posts, decide what this day will mean to you! It can be an exciting and romance-filled day for you, or if you decide to mope (if you’re single) and think that this day excludes you, well that is your call.

But as a love coach, if you are single, I would encourage you to shower yourself with love today more than any other day. It’s not too late.

Yesterday a friend surprised me with a phone call and before I hung up I asked him to pass on my love to his girlfriend and wished them a wonderful Valentine’s Day. He thanked me for reminding him.

So I said, “Make sure you do something different, something special.” And he replied, “What could I do?” To which I said, “Well, give her a handwritten love letter, for a change. Forget the card, and tell her in your own words how you feel. Just do something unique, something you haven’t done before.”

He went away happy. Next thing I know, he texts me and says, “I took your advice. I booked us a trip to Florence next week.” Now that’s spontaneity for you - and romantic as well!

So what about you? What have you got planned for today? And remember, love isn’t celebrated only on one day of the year. It is in the everyday.

Not everyone can afford to book romantic getaways that easily, but think of the object of your affection and what they would like. It’s not too late. And this way, it would actually be a surprise if you have indeed forgotten and were not too bothered about today.

Restaurants are such a cliche! Better to cook together or cook for your significant other. Write them a poem or a song.

And speaking of songs, I have chosen 3 of my favourite love songs to share with you today: Me Faltas Tu (I Don’t Have You) by Thalia, Come Away With Me by Norah Jones, and I Love You by Sarah McLachlan. Sing with them as I have provided the lyrics.

Me Faltas Tu by Thalia

Tengo la alondra por mi ventana
cruzando el cielo azul
tengo el rocío de la mañana
pero me faltas tú
Tengo el derroche de tantas noches
que da la juventud
tengo mil besos que lleva el viento
pero me faltas tú

Mueren los días cual hojas secas
y aún me faltas tú
tengo caricias de una llena
pero me faltas tú
Tengo tus sueños sobre mi almohada
tantas caricias de madrugada
lo tengo todo y no tengo nada
porque me faltas tú
Y es que me faltas tú
porque en mi mar tú eres el puerto
porque en el alma hay un desierto
porque en tu ausencia me estoy muriendo
Y es que me faltas tú
porque no hay calma en mi tormenta
Porque he perdido ya la cuenta
de tantas noches sin tu presencia
como me faltas tú

Tengo sembrada dentro del alma
la rosa de tu amor
tengo clavada como una espada
la espina de tu adiós
Tú fuiste aliento cuando sediento
me diste tu pasión
tú has sido fuego cuando el invierno
llegó a mi corazón

Porque me faltas tú…

The thing I like about Thalia is the passion with which she sings her songs. I cannot help but feel the quivering, the longing, the love. And on top of that, she is really beautiful! Look at how she interprets the song. Her entire body, from her mouth, her eyes, her hips down to her hands, is simply the song itself!

Come Away With Me by Norah Jones

Come away with me in the night
Come away with me
And I will write you a song

Come away with me on a bus
Come away where they can’t tempt us
With their lies

I want to walk with you
On a cloudy day
In fields where the yellow grass grows knee-high
So won’t you try to come

Come away with me and we’ll kiss
On a mountaintop
Come away with me
And I’ll never stop loving you

And I want to wake up with the rain
Falling on a tin roof
While I’m safe there in your arms
So all I ask is for you
To come away with me in the night
Come away with me

Norah Jones to me is a refreshing soulful sound. Her songs reflect emotions that are real and yet articulated in the most frank poetic way.

I Love You by Sarah Mclachlan

I have a smile
stretched from ear to ear
to see you walking down the road

We meet at the lights
I stare for a while
the world around us disappears

It`s just you and me
on my island of hope
a breath between us could be miles
Let me surround you
my sea to your shore
let me be the calm you seek

Oh but every time I’m close to you
there’s too much I can’t say
and you just walk away

And I forgot
to tell you
I love you
and the night’s
too long
and cold here
without you
I grieve in my condition
for I cannot find the words to say I need you so

Oh but every time I’m close to you
there’s too much I can’t say
and you just walk away

And I forgot
to tell you
I love you
and the night’s
too long
and cold here
without you
I grieve in my condition
for i cannot find the words to say i need you so

Sarah Mclachlan’s album Surfacing was created by Sarah distancing herself from everyone and everything for a year. She searched the depths of her heart and soul to produce the most haunting songs. I was told that she stayed in a beach house all by herself to produce, to me, her best album ever.

So have yourself a most wonderful and love-filled Valentine’s Day!

Bookmark to:

Chocolates: Best Aphrodisiac?

joy — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 03:38:33 +0000

I have yet to find anyone who does not like chocolates. How can they not love the heavenly sensual delight one experiences as soon as chocolate makes contact with their tongue?

From Wiki:

Chocolate is comprised of a number of raw and processed foods that are produced from the seed of the tropical cacao tree. Native to lowland, tropical South America, cacao has been cultivated for three millennia in Central America and Mexico, with its earliest documented use around 1100 BC. The majority of the Mesoamerican peoples made chocolate beverages, including the Maya and Aztecs, who made it into a beverage known as xocolatl, a Nahuatl word meaning “bitter water”. The seeds of the cacao tree have an intense bitter taste, and must be fermented to develop the flavor. After being roasted and ground, the result is chocolate or cocoa.

Much of the chocolate consumed today is made into bars that combine cocoa solids, fats like cocoa butter, and sugar. Chocolate has become one of the most popular flavours in the world.

Chocolate contains alkaloids such as theobromine and phenethylamine which have physiological effects on the body. It has been linked to serotonin levels in the brain. Scientists claim that chocolate, eaten in moderation, can lower blood pressure. Dark chocolate has recently been promoted for its health benefits, including a substantial amount of antioxidants that reduce the formation of free radicals, though the presence of theobromine renders it toxic to some animals.

In November, 2007, archeologists reported finding evidence of the oldest known cultivation and use of cacao at a site in Puerto Escondido, Honduras, dating from about 1100 to 1400 BC.

Roughly two-thirds of the entire world’s cocoa is produced in Western Africa, with 43% sourced from Côte d’Ivoire.

More recently, it has been suggested that theobromine and other chemicals found in chocolate, most notably phenethylamine, can act as mild sexual stimulants. While there is no firm proof that chocolate is indeed an aphrodisiac, a gift of chocolate is a familiar courtship ritual.

Moreover, over 1,500 years ago in South America chocolate gained the reputation of being an aphrodisiac where it was considered to have mystical powers by the Mayan and Aztecs cultures. The Aztec emperor, Monteczuma, drank fifty golden goblets of chocolate a day to enhance his sexual prowess. In the film, Ever After, Prince Henri said that the Spanish discovered chocolates, true, but only after the South Americans did!

The main substances found in chocolate are Phenylethylamine and Serotonin, which are mood lifting agents. Human bodies have them naturally and are released when we are happy, experiencing strong emotions like love, passion and lust.

Eating chocolates also induces release of these substances - thus we feel happy. Rumours have it that Casanova consumed chocolate for its aphrodisiac qualities before engaging in wild passionate sex with his conquests.

Whether chocolate is indeed an aphrodisiac is subjective in my opinion. Some may find gastronomic delight after its consumption, others may benefit from it more. But whatever we think of chocolates it is undeniable that the pleasure one gain after it melts sensuously in their mouth comes second to none.

How do you then pick the best chocolate for your valentine?

Here are the things you should bear in mind when choosing:

Freshness is key. In case you bought chocolates more than 2 weeks ago, forget giving them to someone you want to impress. The fresher the chocolate, the better the experience.
You get what you pay for. I’m not saying that you should buy the most expensive chocolates on the market, but don’t go with the cheapest either.
No calorie counting. If you’re giving the chocolates to someone diabetic, then by all means go for sugar-free. Otherwise, indulge!
No gift recycling. It is in bad taste if you give a box of chocolates intended for you to someone else.
Purchase flavours loved by the recipient. At the same time, it is also a good idea to include a couple of flavours you particularly like. In case they don’t like them, just say that you’re trying to share with them the experience of the chocolate, by sharing a part of you.
Size doesn’t matter. Look, you can buy them the biggest block of shell of chocolate or the tiniest. What matters most is how the chocolate tastes and the thought that went into buying it.
Be adventurous. You may have some trusted chocolatier, but perhaps it may be best to go with another supplier, one who’s highly recommended by their clients.

Here’s a list of some of the top chocolatiers:

Lastly, whatever chocolate you decide to procure - even though it is the cheapest chocolate you could find - nothing is sweeter than the loving words from your heart, nothing more sensual than the touch of your lips, and nothing could inspire passion more than the caress of an ardent lover.

Have the most sensual Valentine’s Day!

Bookmark to:

Valentine’s Gifts

joy — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 01:10:42 +0000

Well, there are so many things you could get your beloved for Valentine’s Day. From $5 to $5,000 there are plenty of things you could get them that will certainly put a smile on their faces - and yours when they express their gratitude.

My friend’s boyfriend wanted to get her a bunny for VD, but she wasn’t too keen, and neither was I. He was insistent that since she spends nights on her own (he works in the evenings), a bunny would keep her company and that it’s really cute, he was certain she’d love one.

Of course I suggested my all-time favourite gift of all - a puppy or a rescued dog. It’s a gift of love within a gift of love.

From dogs we can all learn the true meaning of unconditional love. I can never say this enough. Make sure though that your significant other is ready for the responsibility. Puppies are forever, you know.

Now, if you want something less frisky and requires no maintenance, perhaps the following may work better for you.

Sweet and easy Valentine’s Gifts

DVD’s of the best love films
Pablo Neruda’s book of poems
A book of photos of the two of you doing everyday things
A neck chain with several lockets containing photos of the people she loves the most
Matching anklets - with beads spelling your names
A weekend getaway for two
Spa treatments for two - that’s you and your significant other

Valentine’s Gifts From the Heart

Cook together - plan to cook each other’s favourite dish without telling them exactly what you’re making and surprise each other on the day
Dinner Around the World - this takes some preparation, but we’re talking about the person you love. What you need to do is find out what her favourite cuisines are, like Italian, French, Greek, German, Malaysian, Indian or Filipino. What you do is set up either your place or hers in such a way that each room looks like a city where her favourite food comes from. The lounge could be Paris - with a poster of the Eiffel Tower, the Seine and the Louvre. Make sure you also have French music in the background. The food you prepare should be representative of France, not necessarily frog’s legs, but you get the idea. Then the dining room could be set up as Italy and you can make some Italian food or dessert. You can think of appetizers, soup, main course and desserts and even coffee or tea that come from different parts of the world.
A handwritten love letter, expressing exactly how you feel about your other self, using the best paper and wax seal. If you need help composing it, click here.
Create a video of photos of the two of you, or an homage to your loved one, and post it on your blog or on YouTube.

Naughty Valentine’s Gifts

Naughty Weekender Kit - Turn your weekend into a wild and playful adventure. It contains a bottle of massage oil, sensual body balm, a blindfold, body candy, mood setting tea lights and a spinning game.
Nooki - another naughty game, which should make your heart beat a tad faster and your body temperature higher. The Nooki game contains 90 cards, two dice, one timer, a scarf, a “do not disturb” sign and playing guidelines. For adult couples over 18 years only!
Give each other an erotic massage!
Kama Sutra - illustrated. And practise some of those positions.
What about buying a few sex toys?

It’s only a few days left so I hope this helps!

Bookmark to:

Another One If You Are Single On Valentine’s Day

joy — Sat, 09 Feb 2008 00:59:00 +0000

Here is another list of what you can do on Valentine’s Day if you are single. Take your pick or pick them all!

Things to do on Valentine’s Day

This would be a great day to give your single blessedness some thought. Create a plan to find your ‘one’. What do you need to do and work on to attract the kind of person you want to spend your life with? Do you need to find ways of making your happy first before you share that happiness with someone else? Are there things you need to learn - like self-confidence and assertiveness? Do you need to start believe in yourself and see the person that’s easy to fall in love with?
Or perhaps you need to look after yourself, your health. Heard about endorphins? They’re the happy hormones. When you exercise, more of them are released into your body and you feel happier. So get going!
I have a list of all the romantic films available. So throw on your PJ’s, make some popcorn and line up your favourite drink before the DVD love fest.
What about pampering yourself - whatever that means to you. It could be a long hot bath, listening to your favourite music and enjoy being single.

You know that saying “What goes around comes around?” Well what if you spend this day making other people happy? Here are a few things you can do to make Valentine’s Day more meaningful.

Make your own Valentine’s Day card - like we used to when we were at school. Perhaps make 5 of them, inscribed with your own messages and send them to 5 people you deeply care about - friends, family or even your favourite shop assistant. Or it could be someone totally random, but you believe would be happy to receive a card.
Invite another single friend for a walk in the park, some ice cream and/or a movie.
Send flowers or chocolates to someone who could use some cheering up anonymously and sign the card, “You Are Special”.
Spend Valentine’s Day in a more meaningful way. Go to an orphanage or a hospital where people are truly alone and spend some time with them. This way, you are giving something to someone who truly needs it - like companionship, smiles, laughters - the usual things you would enjoy if you were in a committed relationship.

I guarantee that the smiles you put on their faces will adequately make up for your single status.

So are you geared up for Valentine’s Day now? Let me know how you get on!

Bookmark to:

More On Single On Valentine’s Day

joy — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 01:26:00 +0000

Great that you came back for more! I see that as a single you have a need for more suggestions on how to spend Valentine’s Day alone - but not lonely.

So here are a few more tips for you!

What to do on Valentine’s Day if you’re single:

Go out with your friends - so you are not alone - and have a good time all ya singles!
Make a list of all the advantages of being single. Come up with at least 5! And celebrate those reasons.
Do the full moon ritual - list down the qualities you would like to find in your future mate. Then when you see the full moon, go out and say a prayer before you burn the paper on which you wrote the list. This way, you are releasing it to the ether and the gentle energy of the moon will help you meet your only one.
If you’re feeling a bit of bravado, why not pick one person you think you’d enjoy going out with and go ask them out! What have you got to lose? The worst they can do is say no - and then you can do all the other tips I have listed.
If you have been invited to a party, don’t dismiss it straight away. The place could be teeming with other singles like you. Just go without expectations, try to have a good time. And if you find yourself getting bored no one’s going to take it against you if you decide to bail after an hour.

How do those sound? I’ve got a few more tips coming your way. Swing by again!

Bookmark to:

Single On Valentine’s Day?

joy — Sun, 03 Feb 2008 23:19:25 +0000

The one day most single people wish to delete from the calendar is Valentine’s Day. There’s nothing like couples walking hand in hand, or women carrying a bouquet of roses, or partners enjoying a romantic meal that says, “You’re alone on the day of hearts”. In today’s lavish expressions of affection in a capitalist world, it is hard to miss the red hearts and flower cut-outs in shops and store windows.

So what if you are single? Should you mope around on Valentine’s Day? Are couples the only people licensed to have fun?

Things to do on Valentine’s Day if you’re single:

It is vital that you bear in mind that you are not the only single in the entire universe. More than 90 million people worldwide will spend Valentine’s Day on their own! Take comfort in that - because you won’t be alone.
Now, having said that, the next step is for you to have a clear picture of what February 14 will look like for you. Are you going to get up in the morning all bouncy looking forward to how you will be spoiling yourself and doing things that say, “I love me!” or will it be a day of moping and a pity party for one? I say the former is more attractive. Who best to know what you want and what would be enjoyable to do than yourself? So plan the day - making sure you avoid places where couples will be hanging out if you know this will bother you.
If the possibility of spending the night on your own is not too appealing, then it’s still possible to be surrounded by people who are not necessarily couples and still have fun in the evening. What about hanging out at a local coffee bar or a bookstore cafe - if you like books of course. You can be on your own, without feeling alone or thinking yourself a loser.
If you are in a party mood - then throw one! Throw a singles party at your place or someone else’s, and you don’t even have to spend anything. Anyone who wants to attend this really ‘chic’ party should bring something to eat and drink that’s good for at least 5 people. Even better, ask people to bring a friend who’s single and they’re not interested in dating. That way there will be a lot of potential mates for everyone.
Have you ever had a date with yourself? On Valentine’s Day, you can choose to do this. You can order your favourite meal, rent DVD’s that you have or haven’t seen (best to get the feel good ones) and then perhaps have some time to listen to chill out music, like Northern Lights. Remember, it’s your evening! You can do whatever you want. You are your best company. And don’t be shy about doing anything that makes you happy. The best part - you can choose to go on this date fully glammed up or not.

This is just a first in a series. Come back for more!

Bookmark to:

Surviving Valentine’s Day If You’re Single

joy — Sun, 27 Jan 2008 07:39:00 +0000

Look, just because everyone seems to be pairing up on this day, doesn’t mean you have to desperately hook up with someone just so you don’t get left out.

Trust me - it’s better to be alone, than to wish you were alone!

Now watch this. I’m sure you’ll pick up a few ideas on how to survive Valentine’s Day if you’re single.

Which do you think would be most effective?

Bookmark to: