Heart to Heart
Your love questions answered!
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Friends and Girlfriends
J sent me an interesting question, to which I am sure a lot of people can relate.
Question: I’m a 20 year old male who over the last year has been struggling to find a girl. I don’t find it difficult to speak to girls I know but struggle to find new girls. When I do speak to them I seem to make them my friends too quickly. What can I do to avoid this? Thanks.
Answer: Though there are a couple other issues you raised here, I am going to focus on your last question.
I think it’s safe to assume that girls, after you’ve chatted to them for sometime, label you as a ‘nice’ guy or a friend. This is probably happening because of the unconscious message you send them. Therefore you need to be mindful of how you communicate with them.
When you do meet a girl for the first time, is it easy for you to decide whether you want to pursue a friendship or something more with her? I ask this because it may help you to divide the lot into those two groups and therefore it is clear to you what kind of relationship you want to develop with a girl.
Here is a list of things you need to be aware of when talking to a girl for the first time, which will determine your behaviour towards her and subsequently how she sees you - either as a mate or a potential boyfriend.
- The first thing out of your mouth - what words do you utter when meeting a girl for the first time who is girlfriend material and to one whom you regard as a bud?
- What do you choose to talk about? Say for instance you ask a girl about what she does on a Saturday evening, she may think that you want to take her out one time. Whereas if you ask her about work or studies, then it’s clear you’re not interested in her as a girlfriend.
- Do you offer to pay for her drink, or do you say, “This round’s mine. What do you want to drink?” Clearly, saying the latter means you expect her to pick up the next round. So what message does that send out?
- Where do you sit when talking to her - next to her, opposite her or diagonal from her? Next to her is more intimate.
- Do you ask her if she’s seeing someone? There is no doubt in any girl’s mind that you are interested in her if you if there’s a man in her life.
- Do you ask for her number and ring her when you promise to?
- How do you look at her when you talk? Sometimes your eyes can do all the talking for you.
I hope this helps, J. And good luck with finding your girl.
Flirting with a Work Mate
Thank you for your question, M!
Question: I am attracted to SOMEBODY at our office. I would say he is a good looking guy. No doubt he has the qualities I admire. Is it ok to flirt? I know he always glances at me if we bump into each other.
Answer: Flirting is an art - and should be approached with a pinch of daring and a dollop of caution. A woman initiating flirting can still be tricky even in this day and age.You say that you are interested in your work mate and that he seems to be stealing glances at you at the office. So what can you do to find out if he really likes you or if he’s interested? And even if he weren’t interested in you that way, there are a few things you can do to move things along.
8 Tips On Flirting
1. Send clear signals
Men are quite hopeless at interpreting signals from women. Though I wouldn’t advise you to blatantly flirt with your work mate, I would suggest that when you say ‘hi’ to him that it’s more than just a friendly hello. It should send the message that you would be interested in seeing him outside the office. You can say something like, “I tried the new bar at the corner of Grove Road and St Stephen St. Drinks and food were good. Have you been there?”
2. Smile, Be Happy
It’s no big secret. People love to hang out with others who are in good spirits and can make them laugh. Sense of humour is a very valuable commodity. Obviously, you can’t and shouldn’t fake this. Think of and do things that make you happy and feel good about yourself. This way when you’re with your work mate, your jovial spirit comes out naturally.
3. Carry a Flirting Prop
If you want him to notice you, give him reason to. I would suggest that you wear or carry something that would catch his attention, like a very colourful umbrella, a new gadget that he may be interested in (new iPhone) or wear a sexy top or skirt/jeans. It will be easier for him to approach you when he has an opening line that’s genuine.
4. Try group dating
At lunch time, do you eat on your own or with a group of people? Or maybe after work, do you grab a drink with other office mates? What about catching the latest flick (movie) with a group of you?
One time you go out with a group of people from the office, make sure you invite him to come along. Then when you get to the venue, be it the restaurant, the pub or the theatre, maneuver so that you are sat next to him and can carry a conversation with him. While you have his attention, you can try asking him if he wants to have coffee or something else with just you.
5. Sexy Pitch
How would you describe the way you talk and how your voice sounds? You can ask trusted friends or family how they find your voice. Is it sweet, sexy, deep, or croaky? And what about the way you look at him? Would you consider your eyes to have a certain sexy appeal to them?
When flirting with the object of your affection, it will really be good if you not only have a nice smile and good personality but a sexy voice as well. You can modulate your voice and practice will help you sound as if it’s second nature to you. At the same time, when flirting with your work mate, try maintaining eye contact and a smile on your lips.
6. Be Interested
Ask him questions like: what do you enjoy doing? How do you usually spend your weekend? Which football team do you support? What’s your favourite beer?
Men like talking about topics, events. Women like talking about emotions. So construct questions that he is likely to be interested in as well. You could try doing a bit of research first by talking to his friends or discreetly finding out more about him through other work colleagues.
7. Be Interesting
Much as he would appreciate being asked about his likes and dislikes, it also helps to be interesting yourself. Develop a hobby like photography. Or pursue your passion like writing, scuba diving or travelling.
It will be to your advantage when you have interesting things to talk about once he starts asking about you and your own likes and dislikes.
8. Be Yourself
The most attractive quality you can have though is being true to yourself. Try the above 7 tips in moderation and without losing your individuality and true self. Pretending to be something else is such a big turn off.
I hope these tips help, M! Let me know how you get on.
